Follow the River (River of Rain Book 1) Read online

  He doesn’t finish his thought, but he doesn’t need to in order for me to know.

  Fights people. Hurts people… Rapes people.

  “Anyway, um,” he starts, licking his lips before sighing. “Just…Merry Christmas, River.”

  Christmas.

  I can’t believe even with the decorating today, it slipped my mind the moment he stepped into the kitchen.

  Guess that’s what happens when you’re given a gift transcending beyond the meaning of the holiday.

  And no, I’m not talking about the painting in my hand.

  Setting the watercolor on the counter beside me, I glance up for his eyes to capture mine. And the second they do, I see more vulnerability in them then I ever thought possible from him.

  I feel my hand reach out and curl around the collar of his shirt. Something like confusion crosses his face when I start tugging him to his feet. But when I simply wrap my arms around him and squeeze, he relaxes into me and returns my embrace.

  “Thank you,” I almost choke on the words, my fingers twisting into the back of his shirt as I inhale his scent with a deep breath. “Thank you.”

  Last night, something strange happened. There’s been a shift in our dynamic.

  I don’t know if Rain can feel it, but I definitely do…and it’s fucking absurd to even be thinking it. Feeling it.

  Part of me knows if I even mentioned it to Rain, to see if he noticed as well, it would send this progress we’ve made a million steps backwards. Which is the last thing I want.

  But it’s fucking there, festering under a thin layer of avoidance.

  I don’t feel like his enemy anymore. Not at all.

  I don’t have the urge to fight with him tooth and nail.

  What I want is to be his friend. His actual friend. Not just a friend you happen to fuck because we’re stuck in the middle of the mountains with nothing better to do than get each other off.

  I’m talking, real ass, going to the movies, hanging out after practice, studying together, enjoying each other’s company…friends.

  Whether or not the sex would still continue after we returned to school? If we decided to pursue this in other facets? I… shit.

  I don’t know.

  I just. Don't. Know.

  Because the sex is fantastic. Mind-altering. Dare I say, the best I’ve ever had, with either a guy or girl. And coming from a guy who is used to topping more often than not?

  Like I said, mind-altering.

  Because I fucking love the way he controls me when he’s inside me, yet he lets me have my way with him even when I’m bottoming. Yes, I’d be lying if I haven’t thought about sinking inside him more often than is probably mentally sane, but I would be happy to live the rest of my life never sinking my cock into anything other than a mouth if it meant getting fucked by Rain Grady.

  Which in itself is…problematic.

  I’m fucking twenty-one years old and the last thing I should be thinking about in my junior year of college is settling down because of a good lay.

  My gut clenches, rejecting my line of thinking. I know this is more than a good fuck. I see myself getting in way too deep with him, especially after last night.

  And yet…I’m not about to stop this.

  No chance in hell.

  Groaning, I roll to my side and slide out of bed, sore from spending half the night on the floor yet again. I don’t have it in me to care though, as long as I’m close enough to him if he ever decides he needs me.

  I just wish he would let me in there with him. Or spend the night with me in my bed. But I’m not about to rock the boat with a suggestion and risk fucking up this…arrangement we have going on.

  Goddamn, I’m so fucking screwed.

  I slip into some clean clothes and deciding not to dwell on whatever the fuck I’m feeling or not feeling for Rain. I have time to figure it out later.

  I’m shocked to find Rain sitting at the kitchen table, cup of coffee in hand, when I make my way down the hall. It’s only a little after seven, and usually he isn’t up much before ten, what with his nightmares waking him frequently.

  Last night wasn’t nearly as bad, though. For some reason, he only moaned and sobbed for twenty minutes before falling back into a more peaceful slumber.

  That doesn’t mean I didn’t spend a good two hours on the floor outside his room to be sure.

  I haven’t attempted to talk to him about them at all since the first night. It’s not like we sleep in the same bed. Hell, we barely even fuck in a bed. Maybe once, in the week we’ve been…sleeping together? Having sex? Fucking?

  Shit. Things are already getting too complicated.

  “Morning,” he says, standing from his seat and heading back to the coffee pot. He pours himself another cup, then grabs a second mug to pour some for me as well. Handing it to me, a nervous glimmer flashes across his eyes. “You sleep okay?”

  “Yeah,” I say, and it’s not entirely a lie. When I’m asleep, I sleep fine. The ground is just a hard place to try to make that happen. I take a sip of my coffee, loving the bitter taste on my tongue, and smile at him. “So I might have something pretty fun planned for us today.”

  His thick brow quirks up. “Is that so?”

  “Sure is. It’s actually a good thing you’re awake already. Means we can get started early before it gets too busy.”

  “Too busy?” he asks, confusion on his face, to which I bite my lip, attempting to keep my grin from growing larger.

  Ever since Rain told me he had never been to the mountains, let alone skiing or snowboarding, I’ve wanted to take him. Yet, knowing Rain, he’d never want to be seen with me in public more than possible.

  Though I’m not so sure that’s true anymore.

  And after last night? Giving me such a thoughtful gift and expecting nothing in return?

  Yeah, no. Not fucking happening.

  “We’re heading into Vail,” I tell him nonchalantly before taking another sip of my coffee. “I got us lift tickets for the day.”

  Rain’s eyes practically bug out of their sockets at my words, then they narrow skeptically. “Is this a Christmas gift?”

  “Does it matter? They are already paid for, non-refundable, and no, you can’t give me money for yours.” I shrug. “I’ve been wanting to hit the slopes since we got up here. It’s more for me than you, since you don’t even know how.”

  Again, not a total lie.

  The look he’s giving me tells me he is still doubting my motive, but he doesn’t disagree. “You’ll teach me?” The question comes out so defenseless, I’m almost shocked speechless.

  Rain fucking Grady, nervous.

  It’s a sight to behold.

  I smile behind my mug. “‘Course, baby. I’ll hold your hand the entire time down the bunny hill.”

  Not more than an hour later, we’re dressed in the winter gear we brought with us to the cabin—thankfully I brought a second pair of snow pants for Rain to borrow—and we’re on the ATV into town. At least on this time riding bitch, I get to fuck around with him, teasing him by running my palms across the skin of his abs, chest, and back under all the layers of his clothing.

  He might have pulled over and threatened me to knock it the fuck off before he drove us off the road, but he didn’t seem too mad.

  After renting a couple boards and helmets and showing Rain the basics of moving with one foot locked in a snowboard, we’re setting off one of the chair lifts to the top of the mountain.

  I glance out over the surrounding landscape as we rise up over the mountain on the lift, finding myself grateful as hell I was fortunate enough to grow up in such a beautiful place. So many people never get to experience what a beautiful world we live in, how small we are in the grand scheme of life, and being in the mountains always seems to put that in perspective for me.

  Not just me, either. There’s a reason Colorado is growing so fast, and it’s definitely because of the good ole Rocky Mountain high.

  A small twinge of
guilt hits me, knowing this has been my backyard for most of my life, yet before today, Rain has never set foot on a ski resort. It makes me thankful I’m giving this experience to him. Though he hasn’t opened up to me, shown me his scars and demons, I know he battles them each day. I hope a nice dose of nature might give him a break from it.

  If only for today.

  “What song?” Rain asks out of the blue, snapping me from my thoughts.

  “Huh?”

  “What song are you playing in your head right now?”

  “I’m not—” I begin to deny, until I realize I’ve been tapping my glove-covered hand absently against my snow pants, lost in my thoughts. Rain takes said hand in his own, lacing our padded fingers the best he can.

  That’s new.

  My brows furrow, looking at our intertwined hands and glance up at him as he gives me a smirk.

  “You were saying?”

  I feel my cheeks heat, even with the cold wind whipping around us, and glance away, suddenly anxious being so close to him with no escape.

  “I don’t think…I wasn’t thinking of a song,” I lie, still looking out over the slopes, which are relatively empty since most people are with their families on Christmas Day.

  “Why are you lying to me?”

  My eyes snap to him, not used to being called out by him. At least not for this. Because I never tell him lies. Stretch the truth? Sure. But even when we were at each other’s throats, I didn’t ever fucking lie.

  My jaw ticks. Goddamnit.

  “River,” he growls, gripping my chin. “I’ve asked you what fucking song every single day in the week since we decided to do this…thing between us. What’s the issue? Where the hell is your mind right now?”

  “Everywhere,” I mumble, staring into the depths of his amber eyes. “My mind, it’s running fucking rampant and I just…” Jesus Christ. How do I explain what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling for him?

  I shouldn’t be wanting to kiss him for the world to see or hold his hand as if to claim him as mine. It’s not what we agreed to and is certainly more than a fuck buddy would feel. Which is all we are while we’re stuck up here.

  Right?

  Letting out a frustrated breath, I give in to my desire, gripping the back of his neck under his helmet and slam my mouth to his, not giving a flying fuck who sees.

  At first, he freezes, and I think he’s going to push me away. Hell, I think he might push me off the damn ski lift, sending me plummeting to my imminent death.

  Surprising me, he nips my bottom lip between his teeth before molding his mouth to mine in the perfect fucking fit.

  “Are you trying to distract me from finding out what song it is?” he pants against my lips between kisses. “Because as much as I enjoy making out with you, it’s not working. In fact, it makes me want to know more.”

  “I just wanted to kiss you,” I gasp, and this time, it’s not a lie. “So, kiss me.”

  And kiss me he fucking does. So well and for so long, I’m insanely hard once we’re almost to the top of the lift ready to dismount for our first run of the day.

  We quickly move over and out of the way of the lift to the top of our first run. One of the easier green circles at the resort. Rain, the stubborn ass he is, was adamant he would not be spending time on the bunny hill. So this will be…interesting.

  Latching my left foot into my board, I glance over at him just in time to see him topple over as he attempts to do the same with his right. I cough to cover my laugh, but he most definitely catches it if the glare he casts my way before he locks himself in from a seated position this time is any indication.

  And then there is his less than graceful efforts trying to stand back up, which, I’ll be honest, is fucking hilarious and cute as shit. Seeing Rain off balance, figuratively and literally, makes something inside me grow a little bit warmer.

  Taking pity on him, I hop over and extend my arm to him to help him up.

  “You’re fucking laughing at me already?” he growls, gripping my forearm.

  “Damn straight, baby. It’s my prerogative as your teacher. I get to laugh as much as I want at you today when you fall on your ass.”

  Rain smirks and tightens his grip on me, pulling me to the ground with him instead of using my outstretched hand to rise to his feet. I land with an umph on top of him, our legs and subsequently, our boards getting tangled together.

  “Now look what you did. Is this what you wanted?”

  “No,” he groans, shifting beneath my weight as I try to disengage my legs from his. “I just wanted to make you shut up by making you fall.”

  I’m starting to think you have…in more ways than one.

  “Well jackass, mission accomplished,” I laugh, righting myself before giving him a hand to get back up, which he thankfully takes and actually uses this time.

  Once we’re both stable, I glance up at him to find the biggest smile on his face. Bigger than I think I’ve ever seen.

  It makes my heart stop completely.

  “What?” I ask, sure that the sound of the word, no more than a whisper, is lost in the cool winter wind.

  “Nothing. I’m just happy.”

  And the truth behind his words show. The glint in his eyes, the smile still on his face. I’ve never seen him this way.

  Free.

  I’m desperate to take this moment and bottle it, download it, find some way to save it so I can remember it for the rest of my life. To remember the way it feels to have him look at me like this.

  To remember, if even for a moment, I was the source of his happiness.

  And it’s the most powerful feeling in the world.

  I squeeze his hand in mine, leaning forward to brush my lips against his. “Me too.”

  His arm snakes around my waist as he drags me closer to him the best he can with the snowboard strapped to my feet. His lips are soft against my own, but still rough, insistent, and demanding.

  All things fitting when it comes to Rain.

  In all honesty, I still can’t believe this is actually happening. That I’m kissing him like this, careless of our surroundings; that everything about him is mine to touch, taste, smell, if only for the time being.

  My hand snakes under the back side of his helmet and I tilt his head to deepen this kiss. His tongue begins wrapping around mine and things start getting a little too heated for a public place. Not that I care, really. But knowing Rain, he might be uncomfortable if he knew people could see us, are watching us.

  Because they most definitely are when the loud curse of “fucking faggots” is heard clearly from somewhere in our vicinity.

  Rain’s mouth freezes instantly on mine, his entire body going stiff as a board. He pulls back to look in my eyes and tries to yank free from my hold, but I don’t let him.

  Shit.

  My other hand slips up to cup around his neck and I hold his eyes with my own while rage starts to build within them. “Hey. Hey. Rain, it’s okay,” I soothe the best I can. Because this must be the first time he’s been subjected to any sort of homophobic slur in his life.

  And yeah, no matter how thick your skin is, the first time hearing it...fucking sucks.

  “Don’t listen to them, baby,” I murmur, my gloved thumb rubbing against the pulse point on his neck. It’s visibly racing, manifesting from his anger. “There is nothing for you to be ashamed of. Not one goddamn thing. So, fuck them. Fuck them all, and the ignorant, hateful horses they rode in on.”

  I watch as his teeth work over his bottom lip and I see the gears turning in his head as he attempts to calm himself down.

  “Breathe, okay. They have no say in what we do. It’s the fucking twenty first century, they can get the fuck over two guys kissing each other. Love is love.”

  His eyes widen at my last words and shit I didn’t mean to bring love into this situation.

  “You know what I mean,” I add quickly, praying to God my little slip didn’t freak him out even more.

  Because�
��I don’t love him.

  No, this is just sex. Sure, we are slowly becoming more like friends than straight up fuck buddies at a very rapid pace.

  But I don’t love him…

  Right?

  “Don’t let them ruin our day, okay?” I plead, needing that look from only a few minutes ago back in his eye. “I know the first time someone says that…it’s like a shot to the stomach. But don’t let it get to you.”

  Rain shakes his head, coming out of whatever pissed off trance he was in. When his eyes connect with mine, they have a sadness in them, making me want to find the fucker who yelled our way and rip his nuts off.

  Because fuck him for making this harder than it should be; for being so closed-minded he causes other human beings to question whether or not they are allowed to be the person they truly are.

  Fuck their fear and their hatred of the things they don’t understand.

  For thinking that deviating from social norms coincides with being inferior.

  Screw that bullshit thinking from generations ago, so we can move into a time of acceptance. Let people shine in their most authentic form.

  Rain’s helmet taps against mine as he leans into me. “Fucking asshole,” he mutters, his grip on my waist tight, even through the layers of gear.

  “I know,” I sigh. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”

  “Don’t,” he cuts me off, pulling back to look at me again. “Don’t fucking apologize to me for the bullshit someone else said. That’s not on you.”

  “True, but—”

  “Shut up,” he growls, kissing me roughly before I have the chance to speak further. His words come out in a harsh breath against my lips. “If anyone should be apologizing, it’s me. Not for them, I don’t give a shit what they have to say. I only care that I’ve used the same word as a weapon against you.”

  My chest constricts at his declaration, knowing now it wasn’t those dicks that had him freezing up. It’s that he’s still holding onto so much guilt for the crap we did and said before. “Rain, it’s sticks and stones. Words have no power to hurt you unless you let them.”